Courtney Found a Way

When I went into Courtney's room to say "goodbye" to her on November 8th, she was heavily sedated and unresponsive. This was by design. It was time to let her go. But not before I went in to sit with her, hold her hand and say everything to her that I had stored up in my heart. 

One of the things I said to Courtney that awful day was this: "Courtney, if you can find a way to come see me, to talk to me, to visit me...I need you to do it. If there is a way after death to find me, please come see me." And she did. I shouldn't be surprised by this because, when Courtney put her mind to something, there is nothing she could not accomplish. That was the stubborn in her. But it was also the love in her. There is nothing Courtney would not do for the people she loved. And she loved me. 

Since Courtney died, many people have suggested to me that I see a medium to try to connect with Courtney. I have never really bought into this whole concept. I'm skeptical by nature. But I have heard from these people - and many others - that they didn't believe either and were blown away by their visits with these mediums. They came out completely convinced it was all real. Is it just that we want so badly to believe we are talking to our lost loved ones? Or is it real? How do we know? Well, I'm now a believer. 

Courtney's cousin, Kristen Roy, reached out to me today. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and then wrote me a message: "Hey, I need to tell you something that happened last night". I had no idea who Kristen was prior to this message. Kristen told me that she had been at medium's house last night. The medium was going to do a card reading for everyone in the room but couldn't find her tarot cards. She said her "spirit guides" told her there was a reason she couldn't find her cards. And then a woman the medium described as "young, beautiful, blonde and with blue eyes or blue/green eyes" came through. Kristen said, "I think that's my cousin Courtney". 

The medium then said, "She said that she can breathe again". And then, "She said that she finally got her hair done" and she kept showing the medium her hair. Courtney and I had been trying to get her hair done for months before she got so ill. We just couldn't get it done with all her MGH appointments and me having the Academy the whole summer. She had put purple in her hair in January that was completely faded and she wanted desperately to get another new look. When she was originally hospitalized for a minor lung collapse - before the big one happened - she showed up at the ER with a hair mask in. I remember her telling me she had just put it in and was letting it set when her lung collapsed. She was healing from that small collapse and I had to deal with getting that mask out of her hair for one full day at some point. And then, she had the major lung collapse and the cardiac arrest. We tried to make her hair look as beautiful as possible those 2 months but she was pretty pissed to have her hair be in that state the whole time. Courtney was ALL about her hair. What women isn't, really? That's why I always tried to wash her hair and braid it while she was in the ICU. I knew it made her feel overall just...better.   

When we realized we were out of hope and out of options, we had a meeting with her CF doctor at Dartmouth. Courtney said to me before he came in, "You're not going to like this discussion" but I told her I already knew what she was doing. She had decided that it was time for her to be "made comfortable", whatever that looked like. After our discussion and the doctor left her room, Courtney just looked at me and said, "We'll never have another girl's day together. You'll never bring me to get my hair done again. It's so weird to think of that". Those were her first words - her first thoughts - when she made the decision to die. So I absolutely believe that Courtney told that medium she finally got her hair done because she would want me to know that. 

The medium also said that Courtney said she wanted to "thank me", but she said it came through as she wanted to thank her "mom" with the first name with the letter "L". Kristen said, "That's her aunt. That's for Lisa". The medium said Courtney wanted to thank me and Josh for taking care of Carson. 

Kristen said she had never met this woman before and this woman knew nothing about her but that Courtney came through right away. Kristen wasn't particularly close to Courtney - only as kids and through Facebook. Kristen and I weren't even connected on social media until this morning. The medium said that Courtney "has a very strong energy and was very bold". Well, if you knew Courtney at all, you know that describes her....exactly! 

I think Courtney found a way to come see me - just like I asked her to - because our bond defies this life. Courtney always told me she was so worried about how I would be after she died because she knew I would be devastated. And she loves me so much that she found this way though Kristen  - someone she must trust - to give me some peace. She can breathe and her hair looks beautiful. That's all I need to know. Thank you, Courtney! I love you!