When a Picture Captures a Thousand Emotions

I came across this picture of Courtney a week or so ago. And it has just stuck with me since. I can tell you exactly what Courtney was doing here based on the expression on her face and her hand gesture. She was making a joke about herself most likely. I know that look. I know that hand gesture. And I can hear her subsequent deep giggle as if she was sitting right next to me now. 

And I know she was happy, not only by the smile on her face, but because of a few other things going on in this picture. She was at her very favorite restaurant on the planet, Kitty's in North Reading. She was eating her favorite meal, lobster pie. I know that for an absolute fact even though there's no evidence to support it in this picture. Because she always ate lobster pie at Kitty's. And she was with her family - all of us - which always made her happy.  

Courtney clearly had thrown her hair up for the occasion. She was wearing no make-up on. No jewelry. But what makes me smile is, she's wearing a top that I used to wear but that I gave to her. It looked much better on her. Everything looked much better on her. 

She was a natural beauty. She didn't even have to try. My dad always used to tell Courtney that she didn't need make up, that he loved her natural looks. He had that conversation with her at Kitty's once I remember. It could have been this very day in fact. Courtney definitely did not need makeup but she did love to "create her face" so she did it as an art form more than to look "prettier". 

This picture just exudes all the very best of Courtney. It literally captures her soul and her essence. It was a spontaneous moment in time. I'm so glad I captured it. If she saw me taking it, I'm sure she followed up with her obligatory, "AUNTIEEEE LISAAAAA!!!". And then that laugh again. 

Courtney's grandmother asked me for some of Courtney's ashes to bury in their family plot at the Cape. I have her ashes of course. It's what she wanted. This morning I took some of them and placed them in a container to give to her grandmother so she can have the closure that she needs and deserves. The saying, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice" is the truth. If you ever told me a year ago that I would have the strength to, not only look at Courtney's ashes but to handle them, I would have said impossible. Not ever going to happen. 

But everything I do in my life now is what I know Courtney would want me to do. She would want everyone that loved her to have the chance to say "goodbye" the way they need to. So I just did it. It wasn't easy. Don't think for a minute that it was easy. I had to go somewhere far away in my brain to even start the task. But then, all of a sudden, I felt so close to Courtney. Like I haven't in so long. It's hard to express in words and I'm sure it sounds positively morbid to some. 

But, it was me and Courtney again. That's how it felt. For just a few minutes. And I thought of this picture and and I heard her voice and her laugh. And I remembered her without tears for the first time in a long time. She always made fun of me when I cried about her anyway. So she must have been so proud of me in that moment. And all I ever want is for Courtney to be happy. Still.