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"Grief Sucks." ~ Everyone Ever I had a day yesterday. I woke up feeling heavy, feeling "off". No specific reason for it. And "heavy" is the only way I can describe it. The nightmares and dreams of Courtney have started. I was wondering when that might happen. Sleeping is getting to be quite an adventure. I woke up in literal tears the other night because I walked by a door in my dream and I heard Courtney crying. And I was flipping out and panicking trying to get to her. I don't need a therapist to diagnose that one for me. But I hadn't had a nightmare or sad dream (that I could recall) which would cause me to wake feeling so heavy yesterday morning. I have sad days so I chalked it up to that.  Jim and I went to the gym in the morning and that always helps me. And it did for a little while. I felt better. We got home and Jim kept asking me what I wanted to do for the day. And I both wanted to do something and didn't want to do

                                                              "Fly, fly, precious one; Your endless journey has begun; Take your gentle happiness; Far too beautiful for this; Cross over to the other shore; There is peace forevermore; But hold this memory bittersweet; Until we meet.   ~ "Fly" (Celine Dion) I told you I would start with the end first. And I've put it off long enough. But, as I think about this, I don't think the end can be fully understood until I tell the steps leading up to it. I'm hoping that writing about it all will release some of the horror of it for me. I doubt it. But I'll try anything at this point.  I thank you in advance for being willing to read this because there is no way you will be immune from taking on a piece of my pain as you hear the full story. And, just a friendly warning, it may stick with you forever. So read at your own risk. I'm asking a lot of you. I know this. It