"Here Comes Your 19th Nervous Breakdown."

"Grief Sucks." ~ Everyone Ever

I had a day yesterday. I woke up feeling heavy, feeling "off". No specific reason for it. And "heavy" is the only way I can describe it. The nightmares and dreams of Courtney have started. I was wondering when that might happen. Sleeping is getting to be quite an adventure. I woke up in literal tears the other night because I walked by a door in my dream and I heard Courtney crying. And I was flipping out and panicking trying to get to her. I don't need a therapist to diagnose that one for me. But I hadn't had a nightmare or sad dream (that I could recall) which would cause me to wake feeling so heavy yesterday morning. I have sad days so I chalked it up to that. 

Jim and I went to the gym in the morning and that always helps me. And it did for a little while. I felt better. We got home and Jim kept asking me what I wanted to do for the day. And I both wanted to do something and didn't want to do anything. This is a common feeling I have these days. It's annoying as hell. And I was also on the verge of uncontrollable tears. Usually I can take a deep breath, focus my mind elsewhere, start a household chore...and control it. 

For some reason, I feel embarrassed to just break down crying out of the blue and I try to hide it from Jim. I know, I know...something I need to work on for sure. Because, duh. It's stupid to feel that way. And Jim is SO good about helping me through this grief but I am just a person who does not like to lose control. I've never done drugs, I don't drink to excess...all because I do not like not being in control of myself and my emotions. Being mentally tough has gotten me through a lot and I guess I've trained my mind to react this way. 

Jim went upstairs to do a few things at some point and I started cleaning the kitchen. Trying to re-focus my mind, my brain. And I then...I just stopped and wept. Tears upon tears. Silently. Not because a memory popped into my head. Not because I looked at a picture of Courtney. It just was from feeling so "heavy". And then Jim appeared in the kitchen unexpectedly. I quickly gathered myself. He said, "I need your license." (Mr. Random is his unofficial nickname). But this is when "Jim being Jim" just helps in the most unexpected moments. I laughed, "Ok, I give up. Why the hell do you need my license?" 

I had talked to Jim earlier in the morning about the possibility of getting a vanity plate in honor of Courtney. He said he needed my license to check to see if I could get what I wanted and then order it. I knew I wanted her initials "CLG" and then we talked about a number. I originally said "25" for her age but then decided on the year she was born, "94". He kept looking at me funny, so I knew he was suspicious I had been crying. And I just gave up and lost it. I told him, "I'm so sad today and I don't know why specifically." He hugged me, consoled me and then went up to order my plate. I still felt heavy. 

Jim ended up going over to the house of some friends of ours in the afternoon. He knows that sometimes I just need space, time and to be alone. It typically allows me to work through things and get back on track. He was gone for 4 1/2 hours. I cried the entire time. The. Entire. Time. I watched television, browsed social media, tried to read...but I cried tear after tear after tear the whole time. I actually gave some serious thought to the fact that I was, after all that I have been through, finally having a mental breakdown. "Is this what it looks like?" I thought. "Is this what it feels like?" I thought. For a millisecond, I even thought of calling Jim to ask him to come home. I was that concerned for myself. 

I imagined Courtney's death a lot throughout the years. And I always pondered how I would handle it. If I could handle it. And I have to say, I'm doing better than I ever imagined when I dreamed up all the scenarios of it happening. I even think I'm doing better than those who love me thought I'd be doing. I'm sort of proud of how I have managed to continue to get up every day and live my life. So I thought, "Maybe this is it? Maybe this is how it happens? It's been over 3 months. And I've been fine. And now maybe I'm just...not. Maybe the shock has worn off and this is how it happens for me. Total nervous breakdown." And who would really blame me, right? I figuratively walked my niece to death's door for 25 years. I literally walked her there for 2 months. No one should have to do that. Ever. 

I'm much better today. Thank god. Like I said, I had a day yesterday. It must be part of this whole process. I dread it happening again. But I know it will. I guess I feel a bit guilty, too. I hear almost once a day, "You are so strong." or "You are the strongest person I know". And I absolutely appreciate the kind words and the support. But, I'm not strong every day. And I guess that's okay. And I need to embrace that, accept it and forgive myself when I have "a day". We all do.