The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

-
By: Lisa Lane McCarty
“It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol



Courtney and Carson at our family Christmas celebration (December 23, 2017) 

My family loves the story "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. It was a tradition for us to watch the movie - the version with Alistair Sim because it's our favorite - around Christmas when I was growing up. Most of you know the story. And it's a good one. The ghosts of Christmas past, present and future visit Ebenezer Scrooge to help him find his humanity. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come was always the scariest, for many reasons. Physically, it was imposing and resembled the Grim Reaper. Mentally, it made you ponder the age old question of whether or not you would really want to know your future. The answer for me has always been "no" and if you add in the fact that someone I love is dying...yes, dying...it solidifies my choice.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come - Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" 

My Facebook memories today reminded me that, on this date last year, I had my Christmas celebration with Courtney and our Lane side of the family. I had just taken Courtney to get her hair cut and colored. For one of her Christmas presents, I bought her $100 gift card to her favorite tanning salon. With cystic fibrosis, she needs the Vitamin D and she also feels more beautiful with a tan. So it's a win-win. Courtney was feeling AMAZING and I have video proof!


Ten days later, on January 2, 2018, Courtney's boyfriend Josh called me on my cellphone while I was at work. I had just left a meeting with some higher-up administration folks at my job. It's odd what you think about when you get a call that changes your life forever. I thought later that just 15 minutes earlier, had I received that call, I would have had the physical reaction that I did in front of my bosses. So the timing at least was good.

Josh told me Courtney was being taken by ambulance to Central Catholic Memorial Hospital in Manchester. He said she had coughed once and her lung just collapsed. She almost died gasping for air right in front of him. It took 20 minutes for emergency personnel to show up because...well, it's Manchester. The paramedics and EMTs ended up having to come from Goffstown...and those first responders miraculously saved her life. Heroes among us!

(In a future blog, I will tell you what Courtney told me she heard and saw - and thought - as she lay there dying. It'll be part of my "Conversations with Courtney" blog I've been drafting in my head. That'll be a good one! Stay tuned!) 

I flew out of work and headed to Manchester. Courtney had lung collapses before. I knew it meant a chest tube and time to heal. I wasn't too worried...yet. Four days later, her lung wasn't healed. She had a very large hole in her damaged lung. They decided to take her via ambulance up to her cystic fibrosis care hospital, Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in Lebanon, NH.

(And, when I am ready, I will tell you all about watching Courtney say "goodbye" to Carson that day before she left in the ambulance. She felt she was dying - she told me that - and she truly thought she would never see Carson again. To date, it is the single most traumatic event I have ever witnessed in my life. And I have witnessed many traumatic events with Courtney). 

Courtney saying "goodbye" to Carson before being transferred to DHMC

Little did we know as we celebrated Christmas last year that Courtney would almost die, not once but twice, shortly after these pictures and videos were taken. Little did we know she would be in the hospital for 52 days. Little did we know she would have a piece of her lung surgically removed because it was so damaged that the large hole would never have healed. This is the beast that is cystic fibrosis. One day you could be blonde, tan, happy, feeling amazing and celebrating Christmas with your family and then ten days later, you could be near death. This is one of the many reasons why I cherish every second of every day of every month of every year with Courtney. 

I'm glad I didn't know last December 23rd what was coming. I'm glad the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come did not visit me on Christmas Eve to show me my future. I would have run screaming from it. While viewing the video I posted above while scrolling through my Facebook memories this morning, I couldn't help but think, "What if she had died? What if I was watching this video through the eyes of grief and pain?" I can't even imagine.

And with transplant looming soon from what we've been told...in the darkest recesses of my brain, I sometimes hear a voice whisper, "What if this is Courtney's last Christmas?" But, unless this is the Christmas Eve that I am visited by three spirits, I will choose to continue to live presently in the day...and to laugh and be joyful in every moment I have with Courtney, including this Christmas.

And so as Tiny Tim said, "A Merry Christmas to us all; God bless us, every one!"  - Charles Dickens 





  



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When a Picture Captures a Thousand Emotions

-
Image
I came across this picture of Courtney a week or so ago. And it has just stuck with me since. I can tell you exactly what Courtney was doing here based on the expression on her face and her hand gesture. She was making a joke about herself most likely. I know that look. I know that hand gesture. And I can hear her subsequent deep giggle as if she was sitting right next to me now.  And I know she was happy, not only by the smile on her face, but because of a few other things going on in this picture. She was at her very favorite restaurant on the planet, Kitty's in North Reading. She was eating her favorite meal, lobster pie. I know that for an absolute fact even though there's no evidence to support it in this picture. Because she always ate lobster pie at Kitty's. And she was with her family - all of us - which always made her happy.   Courtney clearly had thrown her hair up for the occasion. She was wearing no make-up on. No jewelry. But what makes me smile is, she's ...
Read more

Courtney Found a Way

-
Image
When I went into Courtney's room to say "goodbye" to her on November 8th, she was heavily sedated and unresponsive. This was by design. It was time to let her go. But not before I went in to sit with her, hold her hand and say everything to her that I had stored up in my heart.  One of the things I said to Courtney that awful day was this: "Courtney, if you can find a way to come see me, to talk to me, to visit me...I need you to do it. If there is a way after death to find me, please come see me." And she did . I shouldn't be surprised by this because, when Courtney put her mind to something, there is nothing she could not accomplish. That was the stubborn in her. But it was also the love in her. There is nothing Courtney would not do for the people she loved. And she loved me.  Since Courtney died, many people have suggested to me that I see a medium to try to connect with Courtney. I have never really bought into this whole concept. I'm skept...
Read more

Grieving During a Pandemic

-
Image
Courtney on a ventilator at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center I joke and use sarcasm as a coping mechanism. We all do something to get ourselves through tough times and unbearable pain. And that's what I do. And it works for me most of the time. But don't think for one second that I am not profoundly sad at least once a day. And it's more like many, many times a day. And not to make this pandemic about me but I will for just one minute so please indulge me. Seeing constant images of hospitals, nurses, doctors, ICUs, gloves, masks, gowns, electronic vital sign monitors...and, worst of all, ventilators is causing me such anxiety and trauma. I can smell the smells. I can hear the noises and the beeping. I know how to read all the machines, including the ventilator settings. I became an expert in reading Courtney's ventilator settings so I could watch for improvement. When you walk onto an ICU, all the patients' electronic vital sign monitors are displayed nex...
Read more