The Daughter I Couldn't Have

"Courtney is My Mission"

Courtney has generously allowed me to guest blog here. So many people over the years have suggested that I write about my life with Courtney - so here you go! And, be careful what you ask for. HA! Courtney said this is hard because it leaves you vulnerable which I already feel as I start this. I want to share it all or this would be a useless endeavor. I truly believe that nothing is worth doing if you can't be honest and authentic. And I always try to be my true and authentic self so...deep breath...let's do this. 

                                       

I hate the saying, "Everything happens for a reason". It's trite. And I hate trite. But it's also a lie. Because there is no reason - none - that a baby should be born with cystic fibrosis. No. That doesn't "happen for a reason". It's genetic, it's out of their control. And the circumstances that need to come together for two parents to pass on this disease to their unborn child are odds that Vegas would love. 

One saying I do love though is, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". (And I'm pretty sure I stole that from my dad but....shhhh...don't tell him!) Like most people, I always planned to get married and have my own family. I got married when I was 32 years old and I started to try to have my own family. And it wasn't working. I didn't know at the time that approximately 1 in 8 couples experience infertility. How was this even my life? I ultimately went through 3 IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) cycles and all 3 were devastatingly unsuccessful. BUT...and here's where the "everything happens for a reason" talk might come into play if I subscribed to that theory...I believe there are 3 reasons why I was not meant to be a mother:

 1).  Life is what happened while I was busy making other plans. (*refer to above quote again.)

2).  My then-husband I found out later was cheating on me - even as I went through my 3rd IVF cycle. So I feel very fortunate that I did not have a child with that monster who wore a mask. He's obviously now my ex-husband - thank god.

3).  I was meant to take care of Courtney. If I had my own children, there is no way I could have dedicated my life to making sure that Courtney lives a happy life and that she lives as long as possible, whatever it takes. Because, let's be clear on this, Courtney is my mission. And I don't fail. 

  

So here we are, 24 years later and it's still Courtney and me. I met her when she was 3 months old - a bigger story for another day. But I was told out of the blue one day, "You have a niece and she has cystic fibrosis". Niece? Cystic fibrosis? What the hell is cystic fibrosis? I joined a club I never signed up for and now I am an expert on cystic fibrosis. 

Courtney changed my life from the day I first held her. We bonded that day - ask anyone and they will tell you it's true. I felt it to my core. Courtney has taught me so much about love, courage, humor, kindness, strength, resiliency...and what it feels like to be a mother. I know this because if I could give her my lungs, I would. And I feel like that's a mother's love right there.

Courtney's CF Nurse Coordinator came into her hospital room to see me on Tuesday. She said, "The medical notes from yesterday said that Courtney's mom was at her bedside but I knew it was you". Yes...it's me.